


Distant, Feels so Different

by duckhyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 90's AU, Alcohol, Anxiety, Bullying, High School, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sexual Content, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 01:47:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10687254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duckhyuck/pseuds/duckhyuck
Summary: I don't understand. Why are you so cold?





	Distant, Feels so Different

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in my phone notes for a month now and while it's been pouring outside I was inspired to finish it.  
> Halfway through, this became inspired by Maroon 5's song: Cold. I hope you enjoy this, it's been a story I've been wanting to write for a while now <3
> 
> !!!All characters are 18 during later scenes of sexual content!!!
> 
> !!!I'm bad at editing!!!!

Taeil clicks his lock in place. The crumpled piece of paper within his palm gets no spared attention. Taeil has read them all before. Each time it’s the exact same slur written in pencil on lined paper that's folded and slipped into his locker. It’s so fucking dumb. He’s already very aware of himself, he doesn’t need daily reminders.

He tosses the scrap in the garbage and tightens his grip on his bag straps. Head down, he makes his way down the hallway. He isn’t hiding his face from the random students filtering out of classes, he doesn’t have to. His fear doesn’t lie within the sea of teens that may willingly beat the shit out of him. It doesn’t lie there because none of them know. His fear boils down in a steaming pot of three sole individuals.

The cauldron of dread cooks regret too because he's living a life that could have been avoided. All would be well if it never would have happened. If he had just stayed home that night he’d get to live out his gay life peacefully, albeit lonely but just until high school ended of course. Of course the world didn’t work out that way and he can’t anymore, he fucked up and he’s paying the price for it.

 

<<<0>>>

 

_“Taeil! You coming to the party?”_

_Sophomore Moon Taeil spins upon his heel to see his buddy Youngho waving him down._

_“Ah man I don’t kn—_

_“Taeillie, don’t get like that with us man, you know it’s going to be good. Live a little.”_

_Taeil humors the idea. He’s interested only in the fact that this is his first offer ever. Then again that leads to speculations against Youngho and his friend’s intentions in regards to inviting him. He’d like to think this is a friendly gesture, the product of Taeil being new to the basketball team. Maybe the guys just want him to loosen up, hang out and maybe get a little drunk. Nothing wrong with that._

_It’s just that in his gut something feels wrong. The concept of Taeil being asked to a party is so utterly foreign._

_“Well, ah I guess I could go..._

_“Great! See you then.” Youngho smiles and hustles off leaving Taeil no room for second guessing._

<<<0>>>

 

Fuck, that’s where it all began, wasn’t it? Saying “ _yes”_ to his “ _friend” Youngho_. What a grave mistake that was. How was little Taeil suppose to know about the exposure he’d receive from one game of truth or dare? He couldn’t have known.

Taeil pulls his hood up, it’s pouring outside when he breaks free from the school building. The rain feels cool upon the little pieces of his exposed skin. Taeil’s heart turns weak and he trudges on through the forming puddles. He hates feeling cold. He hates shivering.

 

<<<0>>>

 

_“You can feel comfortable with us Taeil, we promise!”_

_Ten, the smallest says with a grin full of mirth. Taeil doesn’t smile back without noticing the slyness in the other’s slim eyes._

_Most of the boys are scattered around the open living room. Beers in hands of almost all, even within Taeil’s own. He raises the cup to his lips letting the bitter drink touch his tongue. He isn’t sure if beer should taste this strong. Maybe he’s just a light weight. He keeps his oncoming concerns suppressed for the sake of enjoying the night._

_A few moments pass by, Taeil converses in small talk here and there. He then acquaints himself with Ten’s cat, a Siamese that loves to curl its tail playfully around his ankles. His fingers stroke through the silky fur and he rubs softly at the base of her ears. A satisfied purr comes from the cat and has Taeil wrapped in content._

_“Hey Taeil come join our game!”_

_Taeil stands up a little more upright and uh oh, dizzy was understatement. That was definitely not beer in his cup but he’s so far gone he’s oblivious to his deteriorating state._

_“Okay!” Taeil pumps his fist in the air. His voice comes out drunkenly loud and a couple guys snicker. He’s a walking ray of sunshine but the atmosphere is tensely ominous._

_Nonetheless Taeil follows where the voice came from, sits himself between Doyoung and Youngho on the floor and crosses his legs._

_“We all know the rules for truth and dare,” Ten starts, “Right?” Everyone nods their head eagerly awaiting the game to start._

_It commences normally, a couple questions about crushes on cute and hot girls from their school. Occasionally there’s a dare to swig down some harder stuff. Then it comes to the bearer of all innocence._

_Doyoung gets to ask the question, Taeil is half mindedly listening. His brain is warped to shit but he’s so fucking excited to be included for once. He’s living for this moment._

_“Truth or dare?”_

_“Dare,” Taeil drops boldly._

_Foxy smiles grace a few boys’ faces and they go one hundred percent unnoticed by the poor kid just grasping at consciousness. Taeil has also regrettably missed the suspicious fact that he’s suddenly alone with just four people. Youngho, Ten, Doyoung and Taeyong are all in attendance._

_He can’t recall why he’s in Ten’s bedroom. He isn’t sure why these thoughts are kicking in now. Looking back now, it was definitely his instincts’ failed attempts at telling him to run._

_“Doyoung maybe we should—_

_Taeyong gets caught off by Ten’s hand slapping over his mouth. The boy with white strands conveys despair through his eyes. It feeds into Taeil’s ability to foreshadow bad events but it’s not enough._

_“Anyways, Taeil...I dare you to kiss Youngho...on the lips.”_

_There is no mental capacity left for Taeil to calculate the repercussions of this. All that’s left is years of repressed attraction towards guys, subtle thoughts of how attractive Youngho is and the burning desire to calm some of his teenage sexual urges. Even if that means he’s kissing an unreliable person from his basketball team, drunk and amongst practically strangers._

_Taeil places his empty cup down and grasps Youngho’s face in his hands and smashes their lips together. For a second in time he tries to pretend that this is good, that the dare was really on his side but that all diminishes when a bright flash skims across his closed eyes._

_Taeil pulls back letting the taller one’s face go. He turns his neck stiffly and witnesses Ten holding up his flip phone, presumably containing a picture that could ruin his young life. The raised eyebrows and smirks on everyone’s faces except for one, excluding Taeil, says he’s majorly fucked up._

_Youngho is wiping away at his lips, expression turning to disgust as he glances at Taeil._

_The hurt that fills his chest is unbearable and sobering._

_“Well, well, well Doyoung your speculations are correct as usual. Thanks for spotting the hidden fag for us. Our team will be much safer now, so Taeillie you best just quit. The picture, that’ll be our little secret if you listen well okay?”_

_Taeil nods slowly as he staggers to his feet. His eyes are clouding over, yet this time, he does notice the pained look the pretty white haired boy has. Tears form and slip down his cheeks; he stumbles his way out of the room, down the stairs and shuffles through the remaining crowd on the main level._

_When he breaks out of Ten’s house the sky cries as fiercely as Taeil. It feels awfully fucking cold._

<<<0>>>

 

Taeil picks at the scab on his knuckle. He refuses to fight; these aren’t cuts from throwing his own punches. They’re the result of being heavily shoved against a brick wall, arms flinging back hard against the gritty surface and knuckles scraping along it.

Youngho has one hell of a punch, he certainly knows how to take your breath away be it lips or fist. Ten, he too is strong but his power comes from his legs. He thrives off kicking Taeil while he’s down in the dirt. Doyoung transferred away a while ago so he has no threats from him fortunately. This leaves the last fighting contender. His weapon is the most deadly of them all. He kills with his eyes. His fucking wide and watery eyes that watch Taeil chew on pavement.

In the end Taeil feels grateful that those boys have spared his orientation from the entire school’s ears. He wouldn’t know what to do with himself if the bullying was consistent enough for him to have to chalk an explanation up for his parents.

He keeps walking along un-phased by the abrupt clap of thunder. He approaches a bus stop, it’s one of the few without a pavilion and unfortunately one of the stops that arrives the latest. There’s a small figure sitting on the bench, grey hoodie soaked, knees curled in with feet on the bench. Taeil can’t make out the student because the hood covers the entire face which is simultaneously wedged between their knees.

It is startlingly easy to hear the sobs through the rain. Taeil is very aware that the student is balling their eyes out and he feels awkward approaching. Still, Taeil refuses to just walk by; he isn’t that kind of person. He shoves his nerves in his pocket and tugs his hood off. As he nears the person he bends down a little tapping carefully on the kid’s shoulder.

 _Mistake number two_ is his first thought.

As the person raises their head slightly white strands stick out from under the grey hoodie. Taeil’s eyes are stuck on the small figure before him. He’s entranced by the large wet and red orbs that stare back.

_Lee Taeyong._

They know each other, they’re aware of that. Taeil watches as the boy stiffens and scrambles to move down on the bench away from him. There’s fear sinking all over Taeyong’s character, as if Taeil was going to raise a hand at any moment to hit him. Thunder booms again and Taeyong goes rigid and quickly curls in on himself once more.

Taeil comes to an understanding and he feels the utmost amount of pity for the other boy. He’s alone, in the pouring rain with an atrocious fear for thunderstorms. Taeil sighs. This could be the turning point in his brain because it takes only seconds for him to decide that he’s going to help him out. It stems down to the fact that the only thing he has against Taeyong is that he’s the biggest fucking bystander ever. Even then, Taeil doesn’t know his reasons.

For the time being Taeil lets Taeyong quiver in a little ball on the bench. He rummages through his school bag and pulls out his shitty walkman with a pair of headphones. Nirvana’s _Nevermind_ album is encased in it. _Beggars can’t be choosers,_ Taeil decides. He zips his bag back up and moves the short distance down to where Taeyong had fled. He pulls the other boy’s hood back and the shocking contact has Taeyong jolting upright.

“Shhhh, it’s alright,” Taeil tries, comforting isn’t his forte.

Shaking hazel eyes and trembling lips watch him cautiously. Taeil continues forth with slow motions. With a headphone in each hand he uses his knuckles to brush back the fallen hair around the smaller boy’s ears. He then slips a bud into the left and right before pressing the play button on his walkman and shoving it into Taeyong’s hands.

Those trembling lips fall agape. Taeil disregards the look and pulls Taeyong’s hood back on. He waves for the boy to follow him.

Taeyong rises onto unsteady feet. A clap of thunder echoes loud enough to have his knees buckle. Taeil catches him by the arm and pulls him into his body.

Taeyong’s limbs flail around until he secures a tight grip around Taeil’s left arm, burying his head in the taller boy’s shoulder.

Taeil can feel the trembles coursing through the body that’s attached to him. His chest aches for a whole new reason. A whole new temperature of cold floods his system.

 

<<<0>>>

 

Taeil has practically done everything for the other at this point. Taeyong is in such a position of panic his movements have seized all together. Taeil understands and he can sympathize.  He takes off the boy’s sweater, sits him down on his bed and gets a towel to dry his hair.

When the white strands are no longer sopping Taeil gets a Kleenex box and dabs away the tears from Taeyong’s cheeks. He laughs a little because his caring ministrations seem to be causing Taeyong to cry more.

“Why are you still crying,” Taeil whispers.

Taeyong speaks up for the first time hoarsely, “You can’t be this nice to me, it isn’t fair.”

 

Taeil chuckles again, “I can’t be mean either. It’s not good for my conscience. Something is on your mind Taeyong; you’re biting your lip raw.”

The smaller boy scrunches inward on himself.

“Don’t do that,” Taeil grasps softly at his arms pulling him back outwards, “You have nothing to lose talking to me. I can’t damage you reputation when mine’s the one always at stake. You can talk to me.”

“Why...why,” Taeyong begins sobbing, “I hate myself, don’t treat me this way. Don’t treat me like I’ve been good to you especially when I’ve done such ba—

“No. You’re shitty for watching all the time. I’ll admit that,” Taeil cuts off. “You’ve never been bad to me though. Back then I remember it so clearly. You tried to stop them. You never tried again though. Taeyong what stopped your fight for me?”

“I’m gay,” Taeyong’s head falls in his hands, his shoulders shake uncontrollably. “I’m so sorry Taeil,” He apologizes over and over.

The older of the two gets up and sits next to the other. He pulls him into a sideways hug. “They scared you didn’t they? You saw what they did to me and feared what they’d do to you.”

“I’m so weak,” Taeyong cries out. “No matter how disgusted I am with myself I can’t help these feelings and I couldn’t help but grow small in their presence. I never wanted to just watch on when knowing that it could easily be me.”

Taeil takes a deep breath. _Wow okay fuck this is a lot to take in._ It is, it really is but Taeil is prone to always look for the silver lining in everything. He peers down at the mess of a boy in his arms that was so willing to open up and apologize because of one verbal command. He sees the eagerness to reconcile with his past actions and Taeil can’t condemn that. He can’t hate Taeyong. In fact he considers, deep down, he’s always wanted to reach out to him.

“I forgive you,” Taeil whispers, his own tears dripping from his chin onto his lap.

Their next few sobs were from relief more than anything.

 

<<<0>>>

 

For the past two months they communicate through text and secret scheduled visits to each other’s houses. They keep any information about their connections a million miles from the school. It’s too risky when Johnny and Ten are lurking the halls.

Taeyong drifts away from Ten and Johnny. He limits his association with them to on the court. The boy’s don’t seem to notice. It suggests their friendship wasn’t based upon much to begin with.

Taeyong does connect with a cute boy named Jaehyun who Taeil is close with because they participate in yearbook club together. Everything is just a little better but of course the bitter truth always wavers around longingly. Their lives aren’t perfect. They’re building a relationship upon an entire year of pain and hurt. The foundation is weak but repairs are in progress.

 

<<<0>>>

 

They share their first kiss during another thunderstorm.

Taeil holds Taeyong close on the walk home to his apartment. Fear still hits the white haired boy at his most inner core. It distorts his senses so gravely but Taeil is always willing to help. He towels at his hair and wipes his tears away. He holds him close keeping him over for the night. He swaddles them in blankets and rests their heads on his pillow.

When the lightening illuminates the room just for a brief moment Taeil captures the other boy’s lips before the oncoming thunder. Their bodies press so closely together, Taeil’s left hand rests firmly on Taeyong’s lower back and his other cups his face.

Taeyong’s fingers curl around the neckline of the elder’s shirt securely.

Taeil kisses away the quaver in Taeyong’s lips. It’s a sound and deep connection but it’s odd. Taeyong feels so far away and so distant even though he’s right against Taeil. He feels so...so...cold.

 

<<<0>>>

 

Taeil has Taeyong’s body against his one more time. He can never get over the strange feeling that Taeyong’s mind is light years away when their lips are locked.

It’s a heated kiss, a little bit of curious tongue and subtle sighs mix together. Taeil pushes Taeyong back smoothly against his sheets. He parts their lips and moves his own to Taeyong’s bare neck sucking dedicatedly upon an unblemished surface. He pulls away and leaves a few feather light kisses on the blooming mark.

His hands wander the expanse of Taeyong’s flat stomach underneath his shirt. He caresses the smaller one’s sides until he gets that feeling again. That distance. Taeil sits up and sees tears filling his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Taeil I—can’t I—

“Taeyong, baby,” Taeil speaks soothingly, “Talk to me, what’s wrong?”

“I feel...I feel so guilty every time we—we get close. I can’t stop from thinking about all I’ve done to you and I can’t bring myself to continue. It feels wrong.”

Taeil watches the teen cry silently.

“Taeyong do you love me?”

“More than anybody in this world Taeil,” Taeyong chokes up.

“Are you sorry for what you did?”

“Oh God I’m so fucking sorry Taeil.”

“Are you willing to forgive yourself?”

“I can try...”

“Are you going to let me love you?”

“I—want t—to.”

“Can I make you happy Taeyong, can I pleasure you without you hating yourself?”

“I—I,” Taeyong can barely speak at this point, “Taeil if it’s you it’ll be okay. Only you.”

Taeil smiles and he kisses Taeyong’s soft mouth. When he pulls away he’s a little alarmed because Taeyong already feels grounded, a little less far away.

“You can tell me to stop and I will,” Taeil says in a hushed voice. He begins kissing at Taeyong’s waistline. His fingers dip into the band of his shorts and boxers. Taeil pulls both down swiftly just to the point above Taeyong’s knees. He greets the boy’s bare inner thighs with chaste kisses.

Taeyong throws an arm over his face in embarrassment. Whimpers fall carelessly from him regardless of how tightly his jaw is clenched. His cheeks are flushed a deep shade of red, the innocence suits him.

Taeil moves closer to Taeyong’s hardening member, he wraps a firm hand around it and gives a few testing tugs.

At initial contact Taeyong gasps but doesn’t pull a red card so Taeil continues. He plants a small kiss to the tip, his eyes lying hungry upon Taeyong’s hidden ones.

“Look at me Taeyong.”

Taeyong moves his arm so it rests only on his forehead, his shadowed eyes meet Taeil’s and he shudders because it’s that moment that Taeil takes him into his mouth. He’s fully hard with the first swipe of Taeil’s tongue over the slit. A shameful moan slips from his mouth.

Taeil’s hand holds what he can’t take and his free hand rubs at Taeyong’s hip. He hums a little as he starts slowly bobbing. Taeyong fights the urge to buck up at the new sensation.

Their eyes have yet to leave one another. Taeil thinks he’s never seen Taeyong look as pretty as he is right now, wet eyes, bruised lips and dishevelled hair. He’s a squirming mess under his control and he loves it. He can feel Taeyong and his distance closing. The member in his mouth aches, closer, closer. He gives a harsh suck to the tip and with another swipe over the slit Taeil has Taeyong moaning his name.

Taeyong appears to have an endless supply of tears because he’s going through a wave of emotions. His voice cracks as he repeats Taeil’s name like a mantra.

Taeil pulls off briefly with a lewd pop. Taeyong whines in need as Taeil keeps stroking him while he catches his breath. His hand picks up speed and Taeyong’s eyes fly shut.

“Cum for me Tae.”

Taeyong stifles a sob and reaches his climax, his cum landing on his own stomach and Taeil’s cheek. Taeil strokes him through it and when he’s done he cleans up quickly with Kleenex before it all dries. He raises Taeyong’s shorts and boxers back up to his hips then lays his body lightly on top of Taeyong’s. Taeyong’s chest rises and falls the quickest but their hearts are rapidly in sync.

Taeyong looks at the older like he’s about to apologize again but Taeil cuts him off with a quick peck on the lips. He cards a hand through his white locks and places wispy kisses all over Taeyong’s face until they’re both giggling.

Their hands find each other’s, their fingers link and they sigh.

“I feel like I need to return the favour...”

Taeil smiles, “Next time, tonight wasn’t about me.”

“But—

“No buts!

They wind themselves together; a shower in the morning will suffice. They have the weekend to look forward too as well. They fall asleep to the drizzle against the window.

 

<<<0>>>

 

It takes a while but one day Taeyong and Taeil finally say fuck it. When they enter the school they don’t remember the hallway being so long, icy and cold.

They probably wouldn’t have made it to their lockers hadn’t it been for their hands. One in the other. It felt warm.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this...then I'm really friggin happy. 2tae is life tbh. Please leave me a comment or kudo or both if you like. Hearing from you guys makes my day and pushes me to write more. Thanks so much for reading as always, it's about all that keeps me going these days <3
> 
> Let me know if I need to add tags, I apologize I'm desensitized to a lot of stuff!


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